A sad day...

I've dreaded this blog post, but it's time to get it over with... I miscarried. At the ultrasound in late March when we should've seen a little Jujube and his/her little flickering heartbeat, all we saw was an empty egg sac. No baby growing. I've experienced a "missed miscarriage," which (at least in my case) pretty much means that an egg was fertilized and implanted, hence the positive pregnancy tests, pregnancy symptoms, and the little speck on our first u/s. However, development past that stage didn't occur. Dr. H. said there could've been some sort of chromosomal problem & this baby would not have been healthy, so it didn't grow, but really she said this happens more than people realize and there is no real reason. Just "bad luck." I know way too many people who've gotten the "just bad luck" explanation. I know there is nothing else they can really say and this is just how it is sometimes, but DAMN. It is so incredibly unfair. I was even more horrified to see on my chart that their diagnosis term is "missed abortion." Really? They need to call it that? That really bothered me. I feel like abortion is a choice and I certainly did NOT choose to lose this pregnancy.

I was told to come back for another u/s in about a week because it was expected that I would bleed and officially miscarry naturally by that time, then they would check to make sure everything has passed. That didn't happen. In fact, I had some blood work done and found out that my hormone levels were rising. They were not as high as they should have been for a viable pregnancy, but definitely not dropping which was another indication that my body was holding on to this pregnancy. Dr. H. said it was a positive thing because my body is still doing everything right to grow a healthy baby, but just wasn't catching on that there was not actually a baby to grow. We scheduled a D&C procedure for this morning... almost 3 weeks after the initial miscarriage diagnosis. I have hated being in a state of still feeling pregnant because my body thinks it is, but knowing that in my head and heart that I really wasn't anymore. It also sucks to have to untell people. I left a lot of that to P, my mom, and some close friends. I just haven't had the heart or energy to talk to many people about it, and frankly... some people just have no tact and don't realize that I don't want to explain the D&C procedure to them... I don't want to be the spokesperson for infertility and now for miscarriage. Many people are genuinely concerned and caring, but others seem to just be nosy and want to ask questions for the spectacle of it all. I do not like talking to these people. Bleh. As for the caring people, I love them and thank them all for the wonderful support. I am a lucky girl in that regard, for sure.

After the procedure this morning, I was told I'd feel really out of it and sick after anesthesia, but I felt pretty alert. I'm crampy and achy, but vicodin & rest have helped with that. I was sent home about 45 minutes after waking up & I've been lounging on the couch since then. I slept for a little while, then a friend brought us dinner and some other treats. It was nice to see her & get a little special treatment. The reasoning behind it just sucks. Hardcore sucks, but everyone's efforts to help us have been great. I also got flowers from my "uncle" in Santa Barbara (Dad's best friend). He sent the sweetest note and now I have something on my table to make me smile a little.

Dr. H. performed the procedure today and said she also removed a cervical polyp. Yeah... cuz I need more things impeding my fertility, right? She said they often pop up during pregnancy, but she removed it and I should be fine. She also told me that they'd analyze the tissue they removed from my uterus and see if they can find any answers besides the "bad luck" scenario. Although, "bad luck" might actually be the best answer because I do NOT want to hear that something is wrong with me or the donor we chose. Dr. H. says she doesn't think anything is wrong with me OR the donor, but they'll check to be sure that whatever might have caused this shouldn't be on ongoing problem. She said the placenta that had developed looked great, so that was a good sign. Again, would be better if there had been a baby that continued to grow, but I'll take good news where I can get it!

So... now I'm on the mend. We wait until I have one regular cycle, then we can try again.

Note to bad luck: STAY AWAY, please!!! M'kay.thanks.