What Makes a Mother

I'm sure the poem below has been floating around for awhile among women who have lost a child, but today was the first time it has crossed my path.

As Mother's Day approaches, I've been feeling like, "Here comes another Mother's Day that I won't get to celebrate being a mother." It will mostly be a sad day for me, but reading this poem at least gives me a little validation that I AM a mother, I just don't have my baby with me.

So, to all the moms - whether your babies are with you, no longer with you, or still to come - Happy early Mother's Day! This time next week, I'll probably be in hiding and avoiding all things "Mother" so take the well wishes while I'm giving them. ;o)

What Makes a Mother
By Jennifer Wasik

Written with love for all the Mother's missing their babies

I thought of you and closed my eyes

and prayed to God today

I asked, “ what makes a Mother?”

And I know I heard Him say,

A Mother has a baby,

This we know is true.

But, God, can you be a Mother

when your baby's not with you?

"Yes you can!", He replied

with confidence in His voice,

"I give many women babies,

when they leave is not their choice."

Some I send for a lifetime

and other's for a day

And some I send to feel your womb

but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,

I want my baby here.

He took a breath,

and cleared His throat,

and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you

what your child is doing here.

If you could see your child smile

with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

of love and life and fear,

but My Mommy loved me oh so much

I got to come straight here!”

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me

I learned my lesson very quick

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much

but I visit her each day

When she goes to sleep

on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair

and kiss her cheek

and whisper in her ear,

Mommy don't be sad today

I'm your baby and I'm here.”

So you see my dear sweet one,

your children are okay

Your babies are here in My home

and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me

until your lesson is through.

And on that day that you come home

they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see

what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart

It's the love you had so much of

right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize

that you are a Mother until their time is done.

They'll be up here with me one day

and know you're the best one.

A sad day...

I've dreaded this blog post, but it's time to get it over with... I miscarried. At the ultrasound in late March when we should've seen a little Jujube and his/her little flickering heartbeat, all we saw was an empty egg sac. No baby growing. I've experienced a "missed miscarriage," which (at least in my case) pretty much means that an egg was fertilized and implanted, hence the positive pregnancy tests, pregnancy symptoms, and the little speck on our first u/s. However, development past that stage didn't occur. Dr. H. said there could've been some sort of chromosomal problem & this baby would not have been healthy, so it didn't grow, but really she said this happens more than people realize and there is no real reason. Just "bad luck." I know way too many people who've gotten the "just bad luck" explanation. I know there is nothing else they can really say and this is just how it is sometimes, but DAMN. It is so incredibly unfair. I was even more horrified to see on my chart that their diagnosis term is "missed abortion." Really? They need to call it that? That really bothered me. I feel like abortion is a choice and I certainly did NOT choose to lose this pregnancy.

I was told to come back for another u/s in about a week because it was expected that I would bleed and officially miscarry naturally by that time, then they would check to make sure everything has passed. That didn't happen. In fact, I had some blood work done and found out that my hormone levels were rising. They were not as high as they should have been for a viable pregnancy, but definitely not dropping which was another indication that my body was holding on to this pregnancy. Dr. H. said it was a positive thing because my body is still doing everything right to grow a healthy baby, but just wasn't catching on that there was not actually a baby to grow. We scheduled a D&C procedure for this morning... almost 3 weeks after the initial miscarriage diagnosis. I have hated being in a state of still feeling pregnant because my body thinks it is, but knowing that in my head and heart that I really wasn't anymore. It also sucks to have to untell people. I left a lot of that to P, my mom, and some close friends. I just haven't had the heart or energy to talk to many people about it, and frankly... some people just have no tact and don't realize that I don't want to explain the D&C procedure to them... I don't want to be the spokesperson for infertility and now for miscarriage. Many people are genuinely concerned and caring, but others seem to just be nosy and want to ask questions for the spectacle of it all. I do not like talking to these people. Bleh. As for the caring people, I love them and thank them all for the wonderful support. I am a lucky girl in that regard, for sure.

After the procedure this morning, I was told I'd feel really out of it and sick after anesthesia, but I felt pretty alert. I'm crampy and achy, but vicodin & rest have helped with that. I was sent home about 45 minutes after waking up & I've been lounging on the couch since then. I slept for a little while, then a friend brought us dinner and some other treats. It was nice to see her & get a little special treatment. The reasoning behind it just sucks. Hardcore sucks, but everyone's efforts to help us have been great. I also got flowers from my "uncle" in Santa Barbara (Dad's best friend). He sent the sweetest note and now I have something on my table to make me smile a little.

Dr. H. performed the procedure today and said she also removed a cervical polyp. Yeah... cuz I need more things impeding my fertility, right? She said they often pop up during pregnancy, but she removed it and I should be fine. She also told me that they'd analyze the tissue they removed from my uterus and see if they can find any answers besides the "bad luck" scenario. Although, "bad luck" might actually be the best answer because I do NOT want to hear that something is wrong with me or the donor we chose. Dr. H. says she doesn't think anything is wrong with me OR the donor, but they'll check to be sure that whatever might have caused this shouldn't be on ongoing problem. She said the placenta that had developed looked great, so that was a good sign. Again, would be better if there had been a baby that continued to grow, but I'll take good news where I can get it!

So... now I'm on the mend. We wait until I have one regular cycle, then we can try again.

Note to bad luck: STAY AWAY, please!!! M'kay.thanks.

Week 6

Six weeks already! This is what Jujube is starting to look like:

Sorry if these pictures freak anyone out, but I think they're so amazing! My sources say things like "baby is now the size of a lentil bean," or about 2-4mm. SO tiny, but SO much going on. This is what http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/ says:
From week 6 to week 10 of your pregnancy, you will be in the embryonic period. This is a very important time of development for your baby and the embryo is most susceptible to experience developmental interferences at this time. Although the embryo is still very small, it is growing and developing rapidly. Your baby's early brain chambers are forming and the eyes are also beginning to form. Buds will appear and will develop into arms and legs in later weeks.

Facial features are visible, including a mouth and tongue. The eyes have a retina and lens. The digestive system starts forming, beginning with the first cells of the stomach and the intestine. There are small indentations in the head, ready for the development of facial features, eyes, and ears. The outline of the jaw starts to form.

I can't believe how quickly it all happens & that the little speck we saw on the ultrasound last week has already grown and developed so much. We should be able to see the heartbeat at our next ultrasound on Friday. So exciting!

I had to laugh at what 3D pregnancy said because it is so true for me right now!

Wondering what's up with your body, your baby and your life this week? Read on ...

What You're Thinking: "If I put my head in my hands and stare down at my desk, it'll look like I'm working really hard and nobody will know I'm actually sleeping."

This is totally me! I start to crash at work around 2pm. I really have wondered, "How can I sleep and make it look like I'm just deep in thought?" Ha!

Your Body: You may be feeling super-tired or nauseous (or super-tired and nauseous—lucky you!) and your boobs are most likely killing you. This is due to the myriad of hormones raging through your body at levels rivaling a teenage boy's. If you can't stay awake for the second half of Grey's Anatomy, blame it on the baby. Extreme exhaustion is often one of the first signs of pregnancy, and while your body will probably regain some of its strength by the time you enter your second trimester, you might find yourself nodding off during Dr. McDreamy's love scenes ... or worse, yours! Constant exhaustion can really wear you down, so make sure to rest up. That means skipping Letterman.

I've been feeling really tired, but not so much nauseated. It's early though, so I don't yet feel in the clear! Although, I think maybe my poor friend Heather (who is 4 weeks ahead of me with her pregnancy) has taken on all the nausea I might have felt. She's been extremely sick. :o( So I will not complain about my sore boobs & being ready for bed before my prime time shows are over! It's all for the best cause. :o)

I'm really looking forward to other people getting their eggs in the mail SOON (I hope by tomorrow!) and having our second ultrasound on Friday. Things are going amazingly well so far and I couldn't be more thankful.

How we're telling...

So... until last night, we had not yet told our parents about my pregnancy. My parents & brother were finally all in the same place again, so we decided to start spilling the beans this weekend! Of course I had to turn this whole announcement thing into a scrapbook project of sorts, so this is what I came up with:

Then I thought, "Um... I need to put Jujubes in there instead of chocolate eggs. Duh!" (Yes, I actually said, "Duh!") So I made the switch:

Big Brother Bailey wanted to get in on the action (or eat Easter grass. Don't worry, I did not let him eat Easter grass and I quickly put it out of his reach. I do not want to make any trips to the vet for Easter grass removal!).

I made enough eggs to distribute to close family who don't already know, which once I got going, I realized was still a lot of people! I put eggs in the mail to P's parents in SoCal, his aunt in Chicago, and my grandparents in Lodi. We made plans to have dinner at my parents' house to deliver their egg. I plan to drop one off at my other grandparents' house and my aunt's house tomorrow because they're nearby enough to do so. I'm so excited for more people to know!

As for how my parents and brother took the news, I gave my mom a little gift bag with the egg & nest inside and told her it was a little something I'd made for Easter. I think she was suspicious, though. She opened it, read it, and said, "I hoped this was why you wanted dinner over here!" My brother read it and was excited. He'll be an awesome uncle! He took the little card to my dad who said, "You stole an egg from your neighborhood turkeys?!" (we have wild turkeys around here). Then he said, "How mean... you're calling it a turkey? Your kid will have a complex!" Hardy har har, Dad! He always expresses excitement with sarcasm and silly jokes (kinda like ME... no question from which parent I inherited that trait!). They were all happy to realize they have an all-time designated driver when we're wine tasting! While it was fun to have the secret for a little while, it felt good to tell them. Now to wait for others to get their eggs... Good times!

Jujube's First Picture!

Today was our first ultrasound. Here are the first pictures of our Jujube:

There isn't too much to see yet since it's still pretty early, but see the dark spot kind of in the middle? That's the gestational sac. There is a tiny speck o' baby in there!

There was a chance that there could be two Jujubes in there, but the doctor only saw one. She said that one *could* be hiding, but it's not likely. Twins could be fun, but I'll take one at a time, too!

Even after several positive pregnancy tests and all the right symptoms, it was still very reassuring to see that, Yes - there really is a little baby growing in there! We get to go back next Friday and should be able to detect a heart beat then.

I was also told to call my regular ob-gyn and let them know I'm pregnant. I was able to make appointments with them for April and May! I love that I have such great doctors taking good care of us & that I get to go in so often. :o)

We finally have u/s pics on our fridge! This is so awesome.

Now to prepare to tell the grandparents-to-be & then continue to spread the word...

Week 5

You are now in your second month of pregnancy and your developing baby is 3 weeks! You might just be finding out that you are pregnant and may have many concerns and questions. Some women still do not realize that they are pregnant yet. You might have already had a positive pregnancy test. Many tests can show a positive test result 10 days after conception, but it is recommended that you wait until you have actually missed your period. The baby has not grown very much from last week and is now approximately 1.25 mm long. You will not `show` yet for some time.

At this point in your pregnancy, you may begin to experience some symptoms. One early symptom of pregnancy is nausea. Some women will actually vomit and others will not. The nausea and/or vomiting that occur during pregnancy are called morning sickness. Most of the time morning sickness is worse in the morning, but not always. Morning sickness does usually improve or disappear by the end of the first trimester. Another early sign of pregnancy is the increased need to urinate. Frequent urination can continue throughout the remainder of the pregnancy because of the growing uterus and increased amount of fluids you are drinking. Many women also notice breast changes early in pregnancy. It is common to feel a tingling or sore sensation in the breasts or nipples. You might notice that the area around the nipple, the areola, becomes darker during pregnancy. It is also not uncommon to feel tired or fatigued at this point. You might feel like you need to nap at lunchtime and you may need to go to bed earlier to accommodate your body's needs.

As early as this week, the plate that will become the heart has developed. Your baby's brain, spinal cord, muscles, and bone formation are also beginning to form. The baby's skeleton is forming at this time as well. The embryo has a distinct organization that has a top, bottom, left, right, front and back. It is important that you continue or begin to take your prenatal vitamins to prevent birth defects.

On your initial doctors visit you may be checked on Hematocrit, hemoglobin, white blood cell count, blood group type, Rh factor, antibodies to blood group antigens, VDRL, rubella anti-Body titer, hepatitis B, toxoplasmosis, urine culture, and HIV.

Sometimes as early as the second month of pregnancy, the insides of your hands and the bottoms of your feet may itch and take on a reddish hue. This annoying condition is called palmar erythema. The increased color is nothing more than a curiosity of pregnancy.

photo & text above from http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/

Today, St. Patrick's Day, marks Week 5 of my pregnancy! I know the picture above is a little creepy, but it's SO cool at the same time. It's still hard to believe that a little person (P still says "people") is growing inside of me! I can't wait until the ultrasound on Thursday. I know we won't be able to see much this early, but P and I are still very excited to get our first real glimpse of what's going on in there!

So far, I'm experiencing most of the symptoms described above, especially the fatigue, breast tenderness, and frequent urination. Luckily, I have not had any nausea, but I don't want to jinx myself. It could still show up, so I don't feel like I'm in the clear! On the breast tenderness front, let's just say I've already purchased a couple of new bras. What's up with that red, itchy palm thing? "A curiosity of pregnancy." Hmm.. interesting. There seem to be lots of "curiosities" associated with pregnancy, don't you think? I know I'm curious to see which curiosities will happen to me!

Happy (booze-free for me) St. Patrick's Day!

My whine about wine

P and I have become big ol' winos in the past couple of years. Really big. So, now that I'm pregnant, I will miss my wine. Oh, how I will miss my wine! I've swirled and sniffed a couple things P has opened recently, but no sipping for me and my pregnant self.

I know there are some semi-decent non-alcoholic wines, but still. Not the same. This weekend we have a pick-up party for a wine club shipment. It will be our first time in wine country since the BFP. I guess I'm the all-time designated driver now?! I will gladly oblige, I am happy to be in this condition, but it's still ever-so-slightly disheartening to be missing out on all the yumminess. Or is it?!


I *think* we may have found an alternative to the non-alcoholic wines. Bottles like this greeted us as we walked into Safeway the other night:

First Blush juices made from wine grapes! Sweeeeet! Of course we had to buy a couple of them! Check all the juices out here: http://www.firstblushjuice.com/

I tried some of the Syrah one last night. P brought it to me in a wine glass and everything! I swirled, sniffed, AND sipped! Yum! Not quite the same as the stuff with some alcohol content, but this no drinking thing is for the best cause I can think of, so I'll survive. Plus, this fancy grape juice is a good alternative and has tons of antioxidants and no added sugar, so I felt pretty good about it. Now I'll have to keep my eye out for the other varities. These little bottles could be my new friends...

Beta #2 is in!

Today I went back for my second beta. I was happy to see the nice phlebotomist again and was hoping all the water I'd drank would help my veins be easier to find so we wouldn't have a repeat of Monday. Unfortunately, my usually plump & juicy veins seem to be hiding this week. The nice lady tried three times to get blood out of me and failed. It hurt today because I'm still sore and a little bruised on BOTH arms from Monday. She decided to call over the mean phlebotomist. Nooo! She hates me!

I don't think I mentioned before that the first time I encountered her, she was rude to me because she saw that my lab request came from RSC. She said, "Oh, I went there. They couldn't help me." I told her I was sorry to hear that. I know how hard it is to struggle with infertility. Did she really think that I needed to hear that as I was about to be treated there? Believe me, I get her frustration. I've played the part of the bitter infertile many times before. I just thought it was really unprofessional and rude. When she went to take my blood, she jabbed me pretty hard and then poked around until she hit a vein. Um... OUCH! I really felt like she was taking out her aggression on me and was mad that I might be pregnant soon. I bruised pretty badly from that blood draw, so needless to say, I was not thrilled that she was literally getting another stab at me!

She was nice today. I think she realized I was already sore from Monday and three failed attempts this morning. After letting my arm hang limply and squeezing the heck out of a foam stress ball, she got a smaller needle than the other lady used and was able to get some blood out of me. I was glad that she was nicer this time because I think I would've had to say something if she wasn't. I mean, I don't need that kind of attitude from medical professionals, ya know? She told me my doctor should have results within 4 hours and sent me on my way.

I went to work and was anxious for the call. Dr. H. finally called at around 2:45. She said my hCG level is now 133. Not quite doubled within 48 hours, but she assured me it's nothing to be alarmed over. The doubling is a rule of thumb, and I'm so.close that she's not concerned. I was still a little freaked out. I found a calculator online that said based on my level from Monday and my level from today, my doubling time is 2.25 days, so really I'm only off by about 6 hours. :o) That made me feel better.

They also tested my progesterone level and she said I'm at 40. I guess normal range is between 9 and 46, so Dr. H. was VERY happy with that. She said that everything seems perfect so far and she'll see me on the 19th for my first ultrasound. I'm so excited!

I sent the numbers recap to P in a text message and he replied, "Is that good?" so I told him yes, then he said, "Oh. Well then, woot! You are pretty much going to have to explain everything because I am in the dark!" Haha! I told him all he really needs to know is that things look good. I explained more when I got home from work. He is still convinced there are twins in there. It's not ruled out, so I guess we'll see next week!

Beta #1 is in!

We were at the lab almost as soon as they opened, but still had to wait for a little while. I already had seen positive results, but was still anxious about the beta numbers. P and I sat reading Entertainment Weekly magazines until my name was called. I wished I'd brought along my book club book. Why do I never remember to bring a book with me to appointments?! Anyhow, it was finally my turn. I was glad that the nice phlebotomist was there this morning. She's the one who took my blood for all the pre-conception labs I had to do since we're using a donor. With her, the draw was quick and painless even though she used a pretty big needle and had to fill 12 vials! When I went for cycle day 3 testing, the lady who was there was not so nice and left me bruised. I did NOT want her jabbing me again. Turns out, maybe I needed to be jabbed! Nice phlebotomist could not find a vein. She poked my usual spot on one arm and nothing... Lucky for me, she didn't just jab it around until she hit blood (like the other chick had done... that frickin' hurt! I'm usually not squeamish about needles & have a high tolerance for pain, but ow!). She tried the other arm... still wasn't finding anything. I had to pump a little stress relief ball and let my arm hang down for awhile. Then she tried smacking me to get one to pop out. Finally she caught sight of a little juicy looking vein and was able to get what she needed. I have NEVER had such a hard time drawing blood. I think maybe I was anxious and all constricted? I dunno...

I was relieved to see a big, flourescent "STAT" sticker she put on my lab forms. Sweet! We should know a.s.a.p. We went home and back to bed. Yes... we were feeling lazy. I have been TIRED and it's P's normal day off so he wanted to sleep in even though he'd already been up. :o)

I woke up before him (had to pee... BIG surprise! Ha!), but came back to bed and read for awhile. Then my phone rang... caller ID says "RSC." Aaahhh! Already? It's only 10 o'clock?! Turns out, my nurse was calling to make sure I'd had blood drawn this morning. "Yes! First thing when they opened!" I told her. She told me she'd call as soon as they had results. Ugh. Back to waiting! But I do love them for checking in on me. RSC is pretty good with that.

So... lounging and reading and playing online to occupy my time until the phone rang again... "RSC" on the caller ID. OMG!! This is it! It was Dr. H and she asked if I was ready for good news. YES! Of course I am! She said, "Congratulations! You are pregnant!" Holy crap. It's real now. The doctor said so. I told her that I'd peed on sticks all weekend and got positives, but still wasn't quite sure what to think. She laughed at me. She it was a great sign that I got a positive at 11dpo. She told me my hCG level was at 72. They want to see at least 25 to confirm pregnancy, so 72 sounds great!

Dr. H said I'd get another lab form to have a second beta on Wednesday. She congratulated me again and told me to just keep doing what I'm doing because it's working! Yay! Then she transferred me to a nurse to schedule my first ultrasound. Our appointment for that is March 19th. I can't wait!

I think that *maybe* this is finally starting to sink in. Wow. I'm pregnant!!!

Do you see what I see?

I started testing Thursday morning at 10dpo. I used a cheapie test from $ Tree and got a BFN. Okay... it's early. I won't be too bummed out. BUT I could see a super faint, barely there, shadow of line where the line *would* be if it turned pink. Yes, folks... this is what TTC does to some people. You become "crazy pee on a stick (or in a cup) lady" and SUPER over-analyze everything in those little windows! On to 11dpo...

I tested in the morning, again with a $ Tree test. Still don't really see a line, but can totally see the phantom line where the line would be (grr... stupid evap!). I decided to go get some "real" tests after work that day. I ended up with First Response Early Response (a 4-pack that included a digital. Woo!). I told myself I'd wait until the morning to use one, but who was I kidding? I totally took a test the next time I had to pee!

This is what showed up:

Do you see what I see?! I thought, "Eh... I'm imagining things because I want to see pink so badly." I took it to P to see what he thought (he didn't even see the shadows of lines I tried to convince him about before!), so I thought he'd give it to me straight if it was nothing. He looked at it... held it to the light... and said, "I see faint pink." Aahhh!!! Really?! OMG! I got tears in my eyes and he was like "Don't cry!" Don't cry? How can I NOT cry?! Surprisingly I didn't *really* cry. I was too much in shock and had to show this test to 2 of my friends to see if they saw what we thought we saw. I e-mailed them pictures (camera phone was NOT clear at all) and then waited for their calls. One friend figured out how to conference call from our cell phones and got all three of us on the line at the same time. We all agreed there was a line. It was positive. Even their husbands agreed there was line! Then I posted it on message boards I frequent to see if ladies there could see what we saw. Everyone did! Even with all those eyes agreeing with us & congratulating us, we still don't know if we can quite believe it yet!

The next morning I took the digital test that came in my 4-pack. This result popped up:

Holy wow. I woke up P to show him. He said, "It says TEST." Uh... wake up a little & look again! I had to tell him that it said "YES+" then he was said, "Oooh... I see it now! That "+" threw me off." Now he's saying "YesT, you are pregnant." Hehehe. Yest.

I'd been holding off on getting the Clear Blue Easy digital pregnancy test until I got a positive on something else. Well, Saturday was the day! I went to my trusty Target and got the 2-pack. I couldn't WAIT to take it and finally see the word:

Yay! Finally that result from MY test. It is still SO surreal.

Here is Lucky bear, showing that he is indeed, lucky:

I've been extra-specially cozied up to Lucky the past few nights. Good little bear! Now we need him to make sure this baby sticks!

My beta blood test is in the morning. I think then maybe this will sink in more? I'm hoping for excellent numbers... Lucky? You hear that? We need a good beta result! :o)

Phantom Symptoms?

I hate the two week wait. I've been through them before, but knowing now that this is actually the first time we've really had a chance at a BFP, I'm feeling REALLY apprehensive! I know it's only 14 days and that I could get a positive result on a home pregnancy test before the blood test, but still... the days are going by so slowly! I did realize that my 2ww will be an hour shorter due to the time change coming up, so that's good, right? ;o)

I really, really don't want to get my hopes up or have unrealistic expectations that this will work the first time, but I can't help it. Hopes are already up. I'm also over-analyzing every little thing going on with my body. I have a constant, yet subtle headache; I have to pee ALL the time (what would this be like later in pregnancy?!); I'm bloated; I'm having vivid dreams; I'm craving waffles like crazy! I would be happy with waffles for every meal. How weird is that?! Anyhow... I know I'm just going to drive myself crazy with all these "phantom" symptoms. I just have to be patient and wait until enough time has passed to possibly get a + pregnancy test. Is it 10dpo yet?

The Backstory... bear with me!

Making a baby is not always as easy as people make it sound when you're in junior high school sex ed. Things are WAY more complicated than anything I was ever taught in school... even in my college level sex ed class! Anyhow, this was not my attitude when my husband and I decided to start trying to conceive a baby in July of 2007. I stopped taking birth control and we thought for sure that we'd just have lots of sex for a couple of months and wind up with a bun in the oven. Well... no such luck.

After a couple of months of trying, I read Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler and began using the Ovusoft software to chart my temperature and other fertility signs to see if and when ovulation was occurring. After several months of charting and realizing that our timing was definitely NOT off, I expressed my concern to both my primary care physician and my Ob-Gyn. Both of them told me that we should try for about a year before worrying too much, but I told them I'd been charting for months and something just felt wrong. My Ob-Gyn agreed to run blood tests on me and suggested a semen analysis for my husband, Paul. My blood work came back normal. However, my husband's analysis wasn't so promising. No sperm were detected. His urologist ordered another SA, this time through a Reproductive Endocrinologist's office. Turns out, this was the same RE that my PCP and my Ob-Gyn had recommended should we need one. This was also the doctor that a friend was seeing, but I didn't know it at the time. Anyhow... all signs were pointing to us needing to see this RE.

The second SA was no different than the first. Now the doctors wanted to find out WHY there was no sperm. He had to go for lots of blood work and we made a follow-up appointment with the urologist. We were taken into his office and sat in the chairs in front of his desk. I never thought I'd be in those chairs gearing up to hear more about a bad diagnosis. It was almost like it couldn't really be happening to us. The doctor said P has a chromosomal disorder and that is why there are no sperm. BUT, there are new procedures in which they essentially biopsy the testicles in order to see if any sperm are being produced, just not making it into the semen. If sperm is found, they can do IVF with ICSI (in vitro fertilization with intracytoplasmic sperm injection, essentially meaning: extract eggs from me, extract sperm from him, inject sperm directly into an egg and then transfer fertilized eggs back into me, hoping for implantation and a successful pregnancy). We thought this sounded like an excellent (albeit expensive!) option and left the office feeling shocked & sad, yet hopeful that we still had a chance. This was in June of 2008.

That hopeful feeling quickly dissipated as we were stuck in insurance limbo for months just trying to see if the testicular biopsy would be covered by insurance. I had trouble communicating with the RE's office, the urologist's office, and our insurance company. I felt like I was getting the run around. Everyone said that someone else had to do something, or provide something before the other could do anything. I was beyond frustrated and thinking that we'd never be able to make this happen because no way could we pay for it out of pocket!

I did have an ultrasound in July 2008 (the one year anniversary of this TTC journey) with our RE just to make sure that everything really was okay with me. The doctor said my uterus was beautiful (um... thanks?) and that things looked good with me. We just needed some sperm!

As the holidays approached, I got a call from the RE asking where we were in the planning stage and what our next step would be. I told her that we were having trouble with insurance issues and just didn't have the cash for the biopsy. She said they hate for money (or rather the lack thereof) to be what is preventing couples from continuing treatment. The RE's office and the urologist (who would preform the surgery) agreed to bill insurance first, then defer billing and/or set up payment plans with us. OMG... SUCH a relief. We could finally move forward. Surgery was set for January 15, 2009.

January 15th finally rolled around. I don't think P & I had ever been so apprehensive! It really sucked to sit in the waiting room wondering what was happening. As soon as I saw the doctor open the door and call me back, I knew it was bad news. He told me that he searched everywhere for some healthy tissue that might contain sperm, but he just couldn't find any. He said he's never been so confused by a diagnosis because P has NO other symptoms of this chromosomal disorder aside from the no sperm thing. I could tell he felt bad for getting our hopes up, but I know he really did all he could for us. He and our RE both said we'd be excellent candidates for donor sperm and thought that would be our best bet, if we chose to pursue it. We had discussed this months before after the initial SA findings, so we made an appointment to discuss donor sperm with the RE a couple of weeks later.

We met with the RE on February 4th. She explained the donor selection process, the initial blood work (yes, MORE blood work) that we'd have to do, recommended the cryobanks with which she's noticed the best results, and then said that I was at the perfect time in my cycle to go ahead with the first IUI (intrauterine insemination) that month. WHAT?! This month?! Seriously?! Wow... after 20 cycles and knowing that during all that time we really had no chance of conceiving, it was strange to hear "it could happen this month." I was a week or so away from starting my period, so she gave me a prescription for Clomid (I ovulate on my own, but the Clomid would increase our chances a bit), gave us the lab orders for blood work, and told us to work on picking a donor within the next 10 days. Holy crap! This was happening SO fast now!

We went home and immediately started checking out the cryobanks. We really liked the one that was the RE's top recommendation, so we decided to limit our search within that one. That made things a little less overwhelming. Over the next few days, we made a list of about 10 donors that were good matches. We were even able to see baby pictures of some of them. I spoke with a representative from the cryobank on the phone & he had me pick our top 6 choices and send him that info along with some pictures of P. Then he was able to tell me which donors looked the most like my husband. Recipients are not allowed to see adult pictures of donors, for anonymity's sake, so this service they provided just added some extra assurance that we'd made a good choice. We settled on our donor and placed the order. At this point, my period had ended, I was done with the Clomid pills, and we were on the lookout for ovulation!

I started using OPKs (ovulation prediction kit) on cycle day 10. On cycle day 13, February 22nd, I got a positive result and headed in to the RE's office for an ultrasound to check my ovaries and uterine lining. My doctor wasn't there, so I saw someone else. He also said that my uterus looked good! He even used the term "uterine perfection" for what they want to see prior to an IUI. Yay, uterus! He found one really big follicle on each side, which meant I had responded well to the Clomid! Also, increased chance of twins! Can you imagine? All this time just hoping for one baby, and now we could get TWO?! My nurse gave me and hCG trigger shot to help ensure that the ovaries would release the eggs. I was sent home and told the IUI would be at 2PM the next day. But wait... our donor specimen hadn't arrived yet. CRAP! What were we supposed to do without the sperm?! I called the cryobank as soon as I could and got tracking information for the package. Turns out, it was due to arrive the next morning. Whew! I still was freaking out and watching its progress online. It was delivered earlier than promised! I got a call from the RE's office saying that it arrived, everything was in place, and they'd see me at 2.

We arrived right on time for our appointment. I was so nervous! P seemed perfectly calm. I love that about him. I know he was likely freaking out too, but he doesn't show it and that helps keep me calm. They called back for our turn. We had to go pick up our vial from the lab. We got to meet our vial of little dudes & I had to hold it against my skin to keep it close to body temperature. They actually told me to stick it in my bra! So that's where the vial was for about 5-10 minutes before the procedure. When they were like "You might want to stick this in your bra." I thought, "Um... okay. Nice to meet you, little guys. So... this is my bra. Snuggle into my cleavage... You get to go somewhere else soon!" Ha! Oh, and the "This is my bra" part I totally felt like Phoebe on Friends when she's trying to seduce Chandler to get him to fess up to sleeping with Monica. Jeez... I can relate almost everything back to Friends! While at the lab, we also got a report of the sperm count. They like to see at least 5 million in thawed semen and we had 21.3 million motile count! The nurse practitioner came in and explained the IUI procedure. Then she turned off the lights & soft music started playing. P was like, "Oh, so I guess this will be intimate after all, huh?" Ha! She said it's better for me to relax as much as possible, so dimming the lights helps. The music was just a coincidence because I guess the people up front turned it on & it's the same music throughout the office. So then it was IUI time. There is a loooong catheter that is inserted into my cervix and up into my uterus. Then they inject in the semen. I felt more than I thought I would, which was good because I remember a friend saying she felt it more with her last IUI and that's the one that worked for her! It was over pretty quickly and then they had me lay there for about 20 minutes.

They told me to go back to normal activities for the next 2 weeks and go have my blood test on March 9. I knew it was going to be a looooong 2 weeks...

P and I spent the afternoon shopping and went out to dinner. We ended up using a coupon I had to make a teddy bear at Build A Bear. We felt a little silly being in there without a kid, but hey... we were working on one, right? After seeing some of the St. Patrick's Day accessories they had for the animals, we decided that this bear would be our lucky charm. We already knew exactly what we wanted to wish on the little satin heart that would be stuffed into the bear. ;o) We picked out a cute, hypoallergenic bear and some St. Patty's boxers. We named the little guy Lucky and have shared our bed with him every night. Here he is:

I added the bow myself. I already had the ribbon and it matched him better than the plain green one they gave me at the store. Isn't he cute?!

The next morning, I actually took a home pregnancy test because the trigger shot was still in my system would give me a positive result. I know that's cheating, but it was nice to see the positive for once. I kept it on my nightstand as kind of a good luck charm. I wonder if Build-a-Bear would put THAT into a bear?! Ha!

I have a good feeling about this. Everything finally seems to be going right. This is our first REAL chance at conceiving. It's not the ideal way or at all like we'd planned years ago when we'd talk about having kids, but this is our story... this is how we might be able to build a family... and so the wait continues...